Welcome back reader it’s been a while. I’ve been wondering how I want to tend my garden of thoughts, and what I’d want to share with all you lovely people.
First, a new playing around with format. Instead of one piece of vulnerability, how about a spot to showcase my various desk toys? And then a little pep-talk on how our stress-inducing beliefs weren’t our idea and how to change them? And finally if you’re here for the feels, a dash of the old candor.
As always thanks for reading and for inspiring me to write.
On with the show!
Toy Showcase
This gorgeous wooden ball is a hand me down from my father. It lived on his desk at his synthesizer store in the 80’s (Roger Dodger Music). He said he got it from a woodcarver named Axel in Boulder Junction, Wisconsin in the 70’s, and that sits right.
It’s about the size of a tennis ball, comes off of it’s little stand, and is a gorgeous reminder to be playful. The best part is the visual pun, and I won’t ruin it for you if it hasn’t come to you. A hint is that it’s “round.” Look at the bottom for the reveal.
It’s Not You, It’s…
Here’s the first recording of “It’s Not You, It’s…” This is a project where I hope to explore the beliefs we have, why we have them, and inspire curiosity for whether or not they’re serving us.
Transcription below:
Hello and welcome to It's Not You It's…
a project by me, Evan Dumas, where I explore the beliefs we have, our values, how they serve us, how they might not be serving us, and how they ultimately aren't our idea, that they came from someplace outside of us, and because of that, we get a chance to reevaluate them and see the role they play in our lives, and hopefully adjust them.
So a little bit about me, a little bit about what we're going to be doing, and then a little talk. So my name's Evan Dumas, as I said, and I have done a lot of things in my life, but previously, just most recently, I was a mental health counselor for a while.
So I got my master's degree, and I went on to help lots of people with the burnout they had with their jobs through talks and trainings, through little zines and animations, and also through some one-on-one counseling. So over the course of many years, I slowly came to the realization that it wasn't the individual jobs that were burning us out, but that the largest weight was on our values about what it means to be a worker, what it means to have a job, what we get out of that job, what we expect from it. Maybe values and beliefs on martyrdom, on giving as much to our own selflessness that might even cause us harm, things like that.
So I didn't know what to do with it, so I stopped practicing counseling. I didn't know how to address these larger cultural beliefs that were really I felt harming us. So that takes us to today, where this podcast, I hope, is a place where I can inspire people with curiosity in many of the beliefs we have. out how they weren't from us, that they were from the culture around us, our family, friends, media, etc. and hopefully inspire some curiosity on alternative beliefs, and at least maybe reduce the shame or embarrassment you may have for your own beliefs and give you some sense of pride of ownership of them. If anything, just a moment to examine them and a pause thinking, oh that's a neat idea.
One last little thing before we get started is that these beliefs are my own.
I don't want you to adopt them blankly, I'm not here to convince anybody that I am right, I don't actually think right really exists, but I also want you to know that I'm fallible and if you disagree with anything I say please let me know and I would love to hear your feedback because just as you are exploring your beliefs I want to explore my own and if I find any of them are harmful whatnot I want to be able to backtrack and be okay to be called out. So no, that's not your job, but I welcome it if it moves you to it. So today I want to talk about attitudes on play. Because in this little newsletter that I'm putting out that hopefully you find this audio in, I have a little toy showcase. I really value play in my life and I value art objects that are playful. I value games of all sorts.
I value puns and other just general life goofiness. And thankfully I've had this value come down from me from my parents. My father is really playful and really values toys. My sister is a hilarious comedian and is very playful. And throughout my life I found that being someone who brings play into things really just is a needed role. So I've taken that on.
The seriousness and whatnot someone else has gotten that taken care of. And that wasn't for me. But I know that a lot of folks struggle with the concept of play, especially being an adult.
At the time of this recording, I'm 42 years old. And so it sometimes feels a little silly to care about, say, the latest Zelda game or playing board games with my friends every week. But I know that play provides me a sense of connection with people that I have. It gets me a sense of exploration. It gets me a brief sense of pride, even if it's something that only really affects me.
Like solving a puzzle doesn't improve the world, but it makes me feel like, ah, I figured it out, I did it. So here's some ways attitudes on play might harm us or cause us embarrassment or shame. And that's if we tell ourselves that play is only for children, and that at some point you give it a up become a serious person because there are serious things to work on and you can only have one or the other. Now I want to challenge this because I believe that yes there are serious things you need to take care of.
You need to pay your bills, you need to stay healthy, you need to care for those who you need to care of and sometimes you need to be selfless and be the person who steps up and does what it needs to take. And I think that doesn't remove space for play. I think play is what you can do to come back to yourself, to reconnect with a child like you that has a sense of wonder and exploration, curiosity and pride. And then play is how you do it. It is low stakes, it is all invested and it's just for fun. And fun is a hard topic to do too especially if you're feeling depressed or anxious or that there's just so much to do. But I would argue that fun and play is needed because of that, then you can have both. So maybe other thoughts like why is play hard?
What does that mean to value play? What are the problems you face if you choose play over those serious things? In times in my life I have valued games more than I've valued say my job or spending time with others and maybe it was because I found it hard to leave the house or I found it shameful of how I was living and so that sort of created a little loop of isolating and and a little playing games by myself. You know I regret those times but I also want to honor that that was how I was protecting myself that was how I was making space for me to come back to myself so that I could be fully present when I was around people. Now it may be different from you you maybe never have had those experiences but I just want you to take a moment Think about play in your life.
Think about how you could value it or believe it differently. And if you think that play has no longer some part in you and you had to push it aside because there's just so much to do, maybe find small moments in your life where you can be a little playful. You could maybe find a little absurdity in the seriousness of the lives around us while still, you know, taking care of business. So for today, think about play. In future recordings, I'd like to talk about such topics as work, money, accomplishment, relationships, maybe even faith, aspects where our beliefs really shape us and really show up on a daily basis. Now if you have some great ideas that you'd like me to explore and again if you have any challenges for me, please send them my way. So take care and thanks for listening.
Vulnerability Corner
And finally, a place to just open up and be a little vulnerable. I leave this at the bottom because I know empathy takes energy, and if you’ve made this far and want to save your feels for something else I completely understand. In fact I insist. If your cup is full, hold on, and know that you can always come back later.
For those of you still with me, I want to share about being stuck. It’s something I’ve felt my whole life, and that’s lead to all sorts of challenges. The largest one being identifying with “being a stuck person.” I don’t feel that way now, but it’s been a theme on and off.
At times it’s shown up as depression, the kind that needs pills and talk therapy, and other times a less distressing but still uncomfortable listlessness that has me stuck wondering what’s next without the oomph to take any first steps.
Identifying as a “stuck person” has it’s own cold comfort. I know who I am, my future is certain, and I’ve got a handle on things. There’s certainty in it, even if it’s nihilistic.
So what helps?
When I can’t help myself it’s the people in my life that give me energy.
My lovely wife Whitney lets me know when I have more agency than I think.
My friends inspire my curiosity even in the briefest of hangouts or chats.
The newsletters and books I read (Marlee Grace is a great one) inspire me to know I’m not alone in my human struggles.
And frankly I’m glad the answer didn’t come from me. Sometimes I’m an object at rest, and very much tend to stay at rest. The push I needed came from outside of me, and I’m grateful now as I’m sure I’ll be grateful if I find myself at rest again.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this new format. As always, let me know what you think/feel and I look forward to writing for you in the future.
p.s. Never again feel like you’re a slacker, because you finally got a Round Tuit!
Your words are such a gift! Thank you for showing up and sharing yourself with us! I love you